Influencer Shame Index
While many influencers claim to promote health and wellness, some are driven by wealth and hell-ness.
Outside of a marketing context, an influencer is simply anyone who guides or inspires the actions of others. We are all influencers, and we are all influenced.
Not all influencers are equal. Some want to promote a fire product/service (and maybe make a nice check while they’re at it). Others are human freeway billboards for rent, ready to stand behind just about any company with a little bankroll.
To illustrate this multidimensional ecosystem of influencers, Bounty Archive has created the I.S.I (Influencer Shame Index). Both an artfully symmetric acronym and sobering analytical tool, the I.S.I has become the global barometer for influencer deviousness assessment.
Note: sea-level indicates the threshold at which money is involved.
Scientific Image
The I.S.I leverages an elementary marine-depth diagram to categorize each player in the ocean of influence. Ironically, as we plunge to more profound depths, the intentions of influencers grow increasingly shallow. Read along as Bounty Archive elaborates on the six tiers of influencer integrity, as detailed in the I.S.I.
We begin with the purest of all, Earth Angels.
Earth Angels - Level 1
These influencers reside firmly and transparently in the glow of the sunlight. They have no motive except for the altruistic enjoyment of putting you on to some fire shit. Think about that one co-worker with the foreign language film recs that never miss, or that time your AirBnb host told you where locals eat on Friday nights. Earth Angels promote the best products and services the world has to offer, and expect nothing in return.
Honest Joes - Level 2
Like their terrestrial cousins the Earth Angels, Honest Joes have noble intentions. In fact, they wholeheartedly believe the product/service they are endorsing will benefit consumers (or greater society), and it’s just a matter of their good fortune that they’re being paid to promote it. The only reason that Honest Joes are below sea-level in the I.S.I is because there is money involved #ad.
Bag-getters - Level 3
Bag-getters span the widest portion of the I.S.I. While they may dip to further depths or rise to shallower waters depending on the product at hand, Bag-getters are broadly harmless. These individuals have developed a platform and are ready to entertain offers from companies who want to buy their endorsement. While the products that Bag-getters co-sign are often related to their line of work, they can also be hilariously random. Think “Manscaped” ads integrated into a YouTube video, or a strange Squarespace promo in the middle of your favorite podcast. If you find yourself irritated by the ubiquity of bag-getters, it’s best to adopt a “Don’t hate the player, hate the game” mentality.
Snake-oil Salesmen - Level 4
At this depth, the waters begin to get murky. Snake-oil salesmen are prepared to promote products or services that are verified pieces of crap or otherwise don’t perform as advertised. Experimental workout supplements, ill-fitting Wish App cocktail dresses, and non-existent music festivals are their bread and butter. “I can’t live without [product]” and “[product] completely changed by life” are some favored tools amongst this slippery lot.
Sinfluencers - Level 5
Curiously, while there is little-to-no sunlight at this level, transparency returns and misdirection is left behind. Sinfluencers are ready to endorse products which are known to harm consumers and society. The Sinfluencer is an endangered species. Each year, new laws aim to govern what types of products can be advertised where (and to whom). As a result, this layer of the I.S.I which was once teeming with life has dwindled to the likes of the Cardi B and Offset meal at McDonalds.
Bottled-water Influencers - Level 6
Moral compasses do not function at this depth. Bottled-water Influencers turn a blind eye to the growing plastic pollution that stifles our quality of life and threatens our natural world. This category is reserved for only the most disconnected, chaotic-evil influencers who are ready to sell their integrity for the low price of “Dasani keeps me hydrated on the go”.
Note: The “Bag Getter” rationale cannot be used to rationalize or dignify these endorsement deals. Bottled-water companies are only offering a contract to the most famous, most established (and fully bagged-up) influencers.
Bottled-WAter Influencers
The term “Influencer Marketing” is a relatively new phenomenon, according to the phrase’s prevalence in Google searches over the past two decades.
While the concept of an “Influencer” was born in this millenium, don’t be fooled. Water influencers have been pulling the puppet strings for at least 500 years.
In the 16th century, Pope Boniface VIII was a champion of water from the Fiuggi spring south of Rome, claiming that it cured him of painful kidney stones. Another 200 years later, an artist by the name of Michelangelo (perhaps the most influential influencer of his time) praised the water for the same reason, saying it cured him of “the only kind of stone I could not love”. Mike’s endorsement established the hottest trend of the Renaissance, and Fiuggi was bottled and shipped to all of Europe’s royalty (who presumably also suffered from kidney stones).
In modern day, bottled-water companies face the greatest (and most pointless) challenge in marketing: outselling competitors with an identical product. To have any hope of moving pallets of plastic, they lean heavily on star power.
For those ready to be influenced, the bottled-water giants have every possible demographic covered with a Tier-6 super gremlin just for you.
Perhaps you exude an essence of unpolished cool-ness and your whimsical edginess can only be tamed by the gentle comfort of a plastic bottle.
Or maybe you see yourself as more of a mogul with huge muscles. If you believe in hard work and inking big deals, then voss might be right for you.
If you don’t fit into either of these molds, that’s okay because Essentia is “committed to keeping you hydrated so you can do whatever matters most to YOU”. Finally, a plastic bottle for everyone <3.
While water is something that we can only dodge for three days, water influencers are something we would all be better off without. Next time we find ourselves floating in the ocean of influence, let’s worship our Earth Angels, show love for our Honest Joes, and respect our Bag-getters.
